1-4-2017

i never thought i would go into surgery and find out i was pregnant my due date my last miscarriage was 2 weeks ago and 5 days im scared to death. yet trying to hide it since if i'm scared then it might make me stress i can't have another loss. i have names picked out and know what i want for this baby i know its my last and that i want to do everything right. the nausea and vomiting will be all worth it. but inside im scared the 6th we see the doctor and find out how many and keep taking the med to make my  strong cant miss one pill or can start bleeding.

Lupus

In april i miscarriaged the doctor did testing and found out a have lupus on my skin which lupus is a auto immune disease  its pain full the flare ups sometimes become infected. Last year i lost my jair this year its effecting my eyes and my hands and back i go all numb on my hands and they become purple and drop anything.thats in my hands and the pain makes me wish i was in labor with back labor no one understands the pain or sees it until i break down. It took 8 miscarriages and lossing a baby at 27 weeks October 23 last year for the doctors to test and see. Now i deal with this over the past 3 years its gotten bad the ob said i could have had it and never knew until she test.  What brings lupus there's no answer they think hormone imbalance but not sure. Theres days like today i want to cut to try and forget the pain. No one understands unless they go threw it or are willing to research it.

Noon3

Everyguy says he would love to stay home with the baby but when it does happen the housw is destroyed and nothing  gets done not even dishs and then compairs what you do to them or when they do work they think  its easy to stay home i hate staying home i like doing both atleast i get someone to talk to when i work then a 2 year old and repeating my self 200+times a day.

Losing

I love being a mom but i dont like being home 24/7 i feel like im not needed anymore i miss having someone need me for everybit i wish i knew why i cry seeing her dew new things maybe the thought of having another one nad losing it like i have before. I miss being pregnant  and miss working my ass of maybe as a kid i did bad jobs and fucked up alot but one thing i mnow i havnt fucked up was being a mom and a fiance i try my best even when im mad i still try. People think most teen moms can get loans for school guess what bitches if u have a more then. A certain  about you cant so i have to wait until i can save money for my ged and carrer what i want to do inlife. 

Miscarrying

Knowing your pregnant and losing it is like a stab in the heart and never stops. Im writing this to get some sadness out.
Augest 25 i started  a new job  on that monday that wensday i found out i was pregnant  that saturday i ended up in er bleeding  they said it was implantation  a week later i had a doc appt  and blood  done my levels were to low at hospital when they redid blood at doc i got a call to come in i miscarried. Ive been really upset blaming  my self. Why do i have to lose a baby  not only one but 3 times  i fought for my duaghter  even my body did now its giving  up.i know its not my fault in always told it's  not  but i feel like it is what parent whats to possibly never be able to carry another child again. Because of a birth control i choose not knowing there was a 1 and 10   for getting pid. Now i have a scare that causes me not to want sex it makes me cry. Losing a baby to me is like losing a living child yes the baby wasnt here on earth yet. To me it was a baby and to me my body gave up.  People  that have moscarried understand.  No we dont talk about it or let everyone know i try to hide the hurt feeling  if i could i would sit next to a ocean evryday  and cry but i cant. I get to be a mom. Being a mothere is amazing its the best thing thats ever happend to me i would love to be able to carry and be a mother to another child.

Lost

I find my self laying her on the couch next to my duaghter  playing with her cars and think whag the hell is wrong. Whats wrong well we are home all day and then night unless we go for a walk but the parks getting redone so what we normally do we cant right now. I feel so sad ao bored and ny house is a mess my normal weekend stuff is being changed. I normally only clean and make lunch well its going to take all day tonmrow  because how i feel like i just want to cry i wanted to take my duaghter  and handsome fiance  to the pumpkin patch and take pictures but thats not happening  and this was the only weekend we can because  the military  so guess what is being thrown in my face i feel like every  plane i make a week ahead gets tossed out the door.i feel like im failing  i try to have fun but what happends no i feel like km drowing because how bad i feel for my daughter. Im going to be working alot soon and wont get much time with her she will be asleep before i get home. I feel lost  i cant go to my grandmas witch really sucks she can only come over to my house and i dont get to see my duaghters  witch she loves. I wish i lived in a house that aloud pets i really want a dog thinking  about talking to the owners and seeing. Is there anythings that i could do thats fun and a 2 year would love she draws and colors we do numbers we walk around by are house and look for rocks for her to paint. When we go to the park she likes to ask for money lol and then looks on the group she loves money. Its cute and funny she organzize  her cars by color and sizem and loves boots and we do alot of dancing and hulu and crafts i rven let her help me make bows and she uses left overs just to glue to paper. I feel like I'm  not good enough. j made a goal for her to be potty trained by January  and if no ones on board well thers going to be a change me and my fiance would love it. And she loves  potty training she does good. My fiance and daughter  are amazing and i have a beautiful family.

Being blamed

So i decied  to go on my old fb guess what i told my dad and step mom on it on 913 i was pregnant my mom found out the day before i was only 7 weeks at the time. So how is it my fault i didnt keep everykne updated until 25 well we almost lost our daughter 4 times and almosy lost  me durinv labor is how. Maybe i never did what my dad wanted but its my life and one thing they were wrong about is me and my fiancé  hes been a dad since i was pregnant he did evrything he could with us almost losing her maybe we had her sooner then you guys wanted but guess what if it wasnt for him and her i might  not be her having her has made me grow up ive been able to take care of her and give her evrything  she needs maybe im not rich.  Maybe i have ocd about things but for one thing i will never treat her the way that i was when visiting if someone wants to get to know me dont tell me how to raise her. I will never be like u guys.i never graduated she is so smart yes she might have some  health  probelms but im doing my  best. And i just love how since i was out there rhe onky text i got with my old phone was when you coming down and i blocked me from fb and lied saying u didnt. I found u on ny fiance account is how i know if h deactivated a account then it wont show. So how about do lie to me i havnt lied to u. I did something  i regret and thats because u guys told me irs not healthu it was bull shit i did reasearch and found out even seen specialist  so  i dont give a crap what you think. I would  rather only have something to do with my dad is all abd step sisters and brother but u probably wont allow that. 

Having some family sucks

Since  january i found out i had a peice of a iud left and it broke pf caused a infection witch caused pid anytime i get a yeast  infection or anything  or a uti it causes pid   ive miscarryed 3 times this year. I went to my dads andbloved it until   they would talk about how i am with my duaghter  sorry i dont dk things your way i keep secrets o didnt tell  people i was pregnate. I was told the day i found out i woukdnt make it to 25 weeks they dknt understand what its like being told that from a doc and being asked to have a abortion hell no its ny baby   me and her are  here against all the odds and if i do have another  kid because of the reactions i might not say shit. Since i cane home ive only heard 1 thing from my step mom is when u guys coming back down do u know the dates. I work 40+hours a week even though i dont need to i spend tbe rest of my days and night studying and being with my amazkng beautiful  daughter. If i voice my opinion  i wouldn get shot down. I sat in bed there and talked on the phone tk fall asleep  and i talked to the love of my life telling him about my day or texting him. I have ny own place and i dint see my family even though they watch my daughter while i work ny fiance  does. Im not about telling  them evrything  never have or will and if u dont like me i dont care. Im me u never raised me if u did i would still be the same person probbaly would have done  worse.  My family tried to gey me to finish  school i decied to get high and drunk  i wiuld still and do gradfiti i tore familys apart i almost killed my self but no i had told my grandma ro never contach my dad  and tell him he probably wouldnt have cared i found out when i got pregnant  he did care when i told him about the drugs i never heard frkm him until i called him and told him at 25 weeks i was pregnant  with a little girl. U know what i got was nothung never talked to the person who cared the most was my uncle who would ask how i was feeling or how she is. Thats what a daughter neexs at that time when i found iut about pid in march i told them and i got told it was frkm a std for ine ive been tested evry 3 months 2 they even said it was from a iud on the sheet that didnt get fully tooken out. If ur reading  this i dont think u need to tell me how to raise my daughter. What 2 year old knows how to do push ups and crys when mommy is being dropped off at work im saving mknrh for collage. I have to pay for my own wedding and  my family isnt going to help.. oh and im making a acciunt for my daughter  so she can have a beautiful  wedding. No one knows hoe it feels to not have a dad that sill call atlesst try and get ahold of his granddaughter  and daughter to say i love u of just see how u are. Maybr thats why ny grandma didnt tell him anything. I started drinking  when i was cominv back from colorado  i dont remeber anything  about it but ivr found emails i tried  sending my dad but couldnt. Im hapoy i didnt but maybe i should have theere from when i was 12. And i just  found out in june i wiuld have a 8 year old brother  i know losing a kid is hard i cant tlak about what ive lost i break down looking at babies or seeing people pregnant  i can put on a face like it doesnt effect me i have to for my 2 year she can tell when im hurt or upset. Shes going tk have s amazing spoiled  child hood. Theres my vent. I love ny dad snd sisters but  im not going tk be told and then lectured all the time.  I get lectured because  shes not pottu trained well  here is what i think abiut it she is 2 and ahes learning  in not forcing or beeting my child becsuse she hsd a accedent i bought her cloth diapers because she deserves  a healthy ass  there better then those  throw aways that cause sores and rashes she hsd a rash  i switched and its gone with in a few hours.

I quite making my duaghter processed fokd evrything  is orgnic she she loves it we make french frys together  she loves fruits and veggies. She has a mom and dsd that  care about therw weight no more junk food unless its chips and crackers what parents at age 18 and 19 like tk eat healthh not many and know what collages they want  and what they want not alot in my town yes i might. Not have my ged but atlesst i try snd im. Going to and hoing tk school kn nutrition  my dreams is to be a personal trainer snd nutrition specialist  if u go to school yk help people get fit why not teach them to eat right to keeo fit evrything  u eat is what helpes u get fit. Ive never had a chance  to do what i want but seejbg how mu 2 yesr old wants tk work out with me and my bf and she will copy she can do push ups only 2 but for a 2 year old its amazing she doesn planks with me  and laughs we find it fun maybe doing a baby work out class would be fun one day for toddlers.

My life

Got my hair done 

They look the sweets when there asleep all 4 lol girls and 3t shirt 

My life is my life no one is going to tell me what to do. This year I'm saving money for my fiancé and daughter to go to Brazil it's more important then going to another state she needs to meet her great grandma maybe go to Colorado again if we can afford it since I'm going to be a cow by the end of this year I'm sure. Well this past week we have unpacked evrything other then Alessandra's room her rooms last. We have bought more house stuff I love the colors we are doing. And I've been sleeping a lot since Alessandra has been at grandma and grandpas and went to a barbique  next week I'm throwing a Tupperware party then the 26th it's my honeys birthday he's going to be 19  I'm so proud of him if anyone has anything they want to say feel free to email me. My blog is my life not everyone has to see it or agree with it I want my daughter and fiancé to see her great grandma and his grandma before she's gone. I mean why make her wait an so not know who she is and never et the chance to meet her I might go I don't know yet. No I'm not pregnate that's not what I was say I've been gaining wait and eating a lot to where I has gone up 6 sizes . Even if I do get prenate this year or next it's no ones buisness I'm finishing school I'm not rushing it thought because I still don't know what I want to do I know it's going to be somthing with working out but I'm trying to do stuff right if you don't agree then don't have to talk to me. I run my life no one else no my grandma and me don't talk about this stuff. Since I moved out it's really no ones buisness unless it affects u I'm not pregnate I'm 100% about that for now and me eating right is the first proirty. I love eating healthy but going organic is hard no more cows milk for me either. 

I love santley to much

You might not like that we are back together but I love him and he loves me and that's all that matters are family is happy and we both are doing what's best so why be mad or upset about it. Maybe we took a break for a while but now we are happily back together and both grew up a lot.  I did stuff I regret and I even didn't finish school but I'm fixing that I put it aside for my family so he could do what needed to be done since I didn't want her going to day care. I never let anyone watch her until after she was one  now I'm scared but going to have to so I can get my GED even if that means me every break checking on her. Like I did when I worked.  I'm happy that my family is back together and that things are looking up. Yes my past is never going to leave but I can better my life and my family's even if people know about my past I can prove that's not me. Idc what any  one says I'm not going to hurt him we both hurt each other I'm scared his parents .Are never going to accept me if that happens it's going to rip him apart u can tell it is but when's he's with me and our daughter he's so happy and beaming it's amazing. 

He loves me 

people think

people think being pregnant is not a emotional roller coaster well it is there's time we cry for no reason we can talk and just start crying we can think of something and start to cry or being told something funny and just cry for no reason no im not a wimp i just have all kind of feelings i never was like this until i got pregnant i used to never cry i was never even able to and now i can cry and not mean to i can have my daughter moving and start crying because shes a blessing . has anyone ever wounder if they could ever have a baby because the doc told them they couldn't i was like that for years i didn't know if i could i didnt think i could go full term im full term now and love every minute of it yes im a teen mom so what it doesn't mean im a slut or anything . if god wants you to have a baby he will make it happen if he didn't then he wouldn't make it happen theres days i think adoption but i know in my heart keeping her and her dad knows is the best for us we may struggle have our ups and down but to me shes all i need i can feel her when im sad and know everything is gonna be okay . people in my family think im stuck up for saying no to people when they say they can watch her when i need someone to before i go to anyone its only gonna be our family its not being rude its just me wanting the best for my daughter i know what i want for her and know what i dont want and if i ever tell you no you cant hold her then thats a no for the day it might change it might not . what i think when people say they are gonna show up at the hospital even tho i don't want anyone except my family its because i don't want people there i don't like crowds its hard a nuff for me to go to church because i don't want to be around a lot of people . If i tell you no you cant hold my daughter at church its because i dont want people to get her sick is just got be me or her dad or my grandmother holding her babys get sick easier then anyone and i dont want her to get sick if your kid comes to church and there sick please dont have them go up and ask to hold her because the straight up answer is gonna be no yo u cant and dont ask again i can come off mean and dont want to but i want the best for my daughter .

venting

things here at home are getting better and worse i don't know how to cope with it anymore one minute everyone's good in the day then when it comes to like cleaning or something everyone fights and then i feel like i have to do everything and clean because i cant go to school until my daughter is born i hate this life i hate how my family don't even see what i do or even want to and truth is if i could and had a place to go i would leave tonight and never come back pack all my daughters stuff and mine and never come back to living here its been to much to many years and its getting worse i have no clue what to do anymore i don't want my baby having my bro as a uncle i don't want her to go threw what i am or here fighting all the time iv never got along with my bro and all my grandma does it seems like is baby his 16 year old butt . im tired of this and am not gonna take it anymore when your 16 you should be getting good grades and doing your chores and when your grounded you shouldn't get by with it because in the real world if you get in trouble you dot get by you cant skip paying a bill or not showing up to court or speeding when it says 30 and your going 60 or 70 i mean really you need to learn someone has to teach you or should at least try and if it don't teach you then i guess when you turn legal age and get in trouble at school or work your just gonna learn the hard way . im just venting here just so i can try and keep sanity i have no one to really talk to other then my fiancee since my grandma don't like to listen to me about my feelings i get told shut up or thats not true or your brother is younger yes he is only 15 months he needs someone to make him grow up im growing up fast for my daughter but hes been treated like a baby his hole life .and alot of other things

truth and some things about pregnancy .

the truth about when someone gets pregnant even if there adult .

1. they will find out who there true friends are . 2. learn that you have to put your baby and school and work before friends. 3. have no free time but learn to live with it every day and love it no matter how you feel . 4. have 10 months of a emotional roller coaster that only some people understand . 5. learn each week and different things your body goes threw . 6. watch your body grow and think how big you baby is getting . 7. learning to not let the little things stress you out even when that's all you want to do and know.

30 weeks and engaged

ever since i found out i was pregnant iv been so happy but then scared the farther i get the closer it gets to the day i could hole her in my arms and watch her dad every doc appt we go to he lights up to her heart beat and tries not to cry i try not to and dont but i do when i get home. i feel ur kicks every day and ur hick ups are more stronger and every day i can feel u move ur fingers or rub ur hand and i can tell when ever u move ur foot it shows the print i can fell ur hole body when i rub my hand on my tummy and try and figure out what part it is and rub my hand on ur foot and then u jerk it back like u can feel it and it tickles ...i love you to death alessandra and cant wait to hold u in my arms and ur dad does to he will be there and cant wait for u to be here. me and ur father are waiting until he gets out of collage to get married but its all for the best .

life and pregnancy the hard times being 17 and pregnant and what im going threw

when someone finds out from your mother that you don't even live with that your pregnant and doesn't let you tell people you self it hurts because they tell people that you wanted to tell like my little brother found out from my neighbor because of my mom i feel like i cant even trust anyone in my life except my daughter and fiance .i told my grandmother on her birthday witch was a couple days after my moms and my grandmother said she knew but never wanted to make me do a test i didn't know until 9weeks 6 days pregnant with my daughter and now to this day it is harder to be around my brother he gets mad so easy hates me i feel like i cant even live with my grandmother even tho i'm only 17 and then the doc don't want me working or exercising much i barley can walk a block with out having to worry about going into premature labor i'm 24 weeks pregnant or farther and just starting to have problems with exercising and eating . i feel like my life here at home is going down everything i do i get yelled at and then my grandma says to not let a messy house stress me out or anything but its hard when i get told i don't do anything from my brother iv been having problems since he threw a cowboy boot at my back it didn't hurt me but i got so mad that i was thinking about killing my self i don't know how much longer i could live here with out hurting my self i want the best for my daughter and me and i cant give her it or me it .i thought my brother would accept it and understand and try to make it more calm but now he calls me fat and a lot of mean things knowing how i was before i was pregnant i started starving my self and riding my bike i went from 145 to 115 and i told everyone i was eating and stuff i don't wanna go back to how i was but its hard when you have some tell you that Ur fat and mean names when ur pregnant and under wait for your height my daughter is what made me gain weight its all baby and water and everything but when i have her im gonna lose so much weight i don't have anyone to talk to no friends because almost all of then partied and i'm gonna be a mom a mom doesn't drop what shes doing with her kid and party all night im not gonna be like the girls on teen mom2 or 16 and pregnant .i know im only 17 but i have a lot i want for my daughter and she deserves im finishing my GED even with everyone against it the only people i have to tell me to keep doing it is my fiance he knows what i wanna be and do i don't want my daughter living how i did growing up with barley a mom having no dad. im not gonna be a mom that lets her daughter do what ever and when ever shes gonna know priorities and right and wrong and that school comes first before games and friends .i never had someone tell me to do school work before i went out tell me i need to get good grades have help and its made it so i couldn't finish high school by the time im 21 i still wouldnt have so i have to get my ged to help support her and teach her that it doesn't matter what problems you go threw that if you put your heart to it and finish you can do anything .

truth about being in a relishing ship

when ever Ur with someone dating engaged or married you never wanna lose trust with that person it makes you feel so bad and feel like your dieing inside . never have friends they dont aprove of because its gonna hurt you and ur partener more the you even know. never cheat and never do something that might make them think you where cheating or you did something wrong .life is like a roller coaster.

feelinsg about family and work

when you work online people down you and tell you its not possible they try  and get you to stop working and get a regular job but most regular jobs don't pay good and you have to have a couple jobs to live  even when you live  with your parents you still wanna save money to move out on your own pay for your own stuff . i hate my grandmother paying for my stuff that's why sometimes i don't get new stuff she try to get me new things but i don't want her to because i don't fill responsible for my self I'm a 16 year old girl that loves working on the computer and hates people paying for me I'm starting to be okay with certain people buying me thing but i  still don't like it  when you have someone  in your family that takes care of 2 teenagers and then works only 1 job you would  know where it comes from im the oldest and sometimes fill like im to old to live at home but im not 18 so im not old enuf to move out on my own i hate relying on my grandmother for things and i know it sounds weird for someone my age to say this

4 th of july photos i tooken

 this was the first time in 3 years  the fair ground set fire works off i had fun taking pics of it 7-4-2011