Miscarrying

Knowing your pregnant and losing it is like a stab in the heart and never stops. Im writing this to get some sadness out.
Augest 25 i started  a new job  on that monday that wensday i found out i was pregnant  that saturday i ended up in er bleeding  they said it was implantation  a week later i had a doc appt  and blood  done my levels were to low at hospital when they redid blood at doc i got a call to come in i miscarried. Ive been really upset blaming  my self. Why do i have to lose a baby  not only one but 3 times  i fought for my duaghter  even my body did now its giving  up.i know its not my fault in always told it's  not  but i feel like it is what parent whats to possibly never be able to carry another child again. Because of a birth control i choose not knowing there was a 1 and 10   for getting pid. Now i have a scare that causes me not to want sex it makes me cry. Losing a baby to me is like losing a living child yes the baby wasnt here on earth yet. To me it was a baby and to me my body gave up.  People  that have moscarried understand.  No we dont talk about it or let everyone know i try to hide the hurt feeling  if i could i would sit next to a ocean evryday  and cry but i cant. I get to be a mom. Being a mothere is amazing its the best thing thats ever happend to me i would love to be able to carry and be a mother to another child.

Lost

I find my self laying her on the couch next to my duaghter  playing with her cars and think whag the hell is wrong. Whats wrong well we are home all day and then night unless we go for a walk but the parks getting redone so what we normally do we cant right now. I feel so sad ao bored and ny house is a mess my normal weekend stuff is being changed. I normally only clean and make lunch well its going to take all day tonmrow  because how i feel like i just want to cry i wanted to take my duaghter  and handsome fiance  to the pumpkin patch and take pictures but thats not happening  and this was the only weekend we can because  the military  so guess what is being thrown in my face i feel like every  plane i make a week ahead gets tossed out the door.i feel like im failing  i try to have fun but what happends no i feel like km drowing because how bad i feel for my daughter. Im going to be working alot soon and wont get much time with her she will be asleep before i get home. I feel lost  i cant go to my grandmas witch really sucks she can only come over to my house and i dont get to see my duaghters  witch she loves. I wish i lived in a house that aloud pets i really want a dog thinking  about talking to the owners and seeing. Is there anythings that i could do thats fun and a 2 year would love she draws and colors we do numbers we walk around by are house and look for rocks for her to paint. When we go to the park she likes to ask for money lol and then looks on the group she loves money. Its cute and funny she organzize  her cars by color and sizem and loves boots and we do alot of dancing and hulu and crafts i rven let her help me make bows and she uses left overs just to glue to paper. I feel like I'm  not good enough. j made a goal for her to be potty trained by January  and if no ones on board well thers going to be a change me and my fiance would love it. And she loves  potty training she does good. My fiance and daughter  are amazing and i have a beautiful family.